finallie set up my own blogspot. heh.
http://charles-insightstothelifeofthepow.blogspot.com/
for those, and mostly the one who has been supporting me all these while, thank you.
visit my new website, where you can attempt to unravel the secrets and mysteries of the dark side of the P.O.W
no guarantees that you can succeed. but no try, no chance. try and you have 50%
i heard this before from da jie. but not having experienced it also means i will discount what i hear. but i heard it today.
it is true. hearing is the last thing to go before you die (or in my case, blackout). the intent was to pay the bill. something else unexpected happened. my world swirled when i mis-judged the step. pain, vision. hearing. consciously. in that order.
“he is shaking”
“give him a chair and some water”
“sir, are you okay”
all these were ringing in my ears before the world swirled around me again. but i learnt something too. willpower. partial consciousness battled blacking out totally. twitching my eyes i did. my brain took over the rest. i cannot faint. i wanted to open my eyes. to see her again.
cold sweat broke out. water was served. perspiration was cleaned. payment was made albeit with some struggle from taking the wallet. words of appreciation was spoken. looks of concern were in abundance.
if quality is not that they have. compassion for an injured man is what they have. warmth to the heart indeed. looking back with gratitude, i limped home one step at a time.
thank you quality hotel. you show me you have what it takes. and taught me some lessons in life.
sun sets in the horizon. darkness reins. helplessness prevails. at the end of the day, i am but one. one who has my own weaknesses thats hidden to all.
beneath the strong exterior front laid a soul that vulnerable not unlike all around. sometimes we stand strong. sometimes we fall. how we recover from each drop from grace, is unfathomable to all. and that is strength. character and soul.
environment has not been smooth. challenges are coming fast and furious. too much for one to take at time. even for someone like me. but am i one who bows to destiny. normally no. but when one soul is weak, who can reject fate and its plans for you.
i need a sign. or a voice. something that goes “i believe (in you)”. till that happens, i can only choose to flirt with my shadow.
life’s a little fuzzy right now.
stuck in a cybercafe linking up with the world. finally. after 8 months in a new environment, reality has sinked in. life ain’t a bed of roses. but with each challenge, i learnt more. working experience some call it.
people who do not know feels that yours truly is having a whale of a time. taking a week off each month since november. but how many saw the amount of hard work toiled, loss of sleep over, pounding beats (of the heart) since that fateful day on 5th may, and mountainous climb from 7 jul. leadership has never been so tough. blessed am i, for i have two able arms, my left andright. they totally crack me up with their nonsensical crappiness (that is somewhat my brand of lameness) while we battle each day.
brisbane is next on the agenda. not really what i want. hopefully it is something for the better. free but so what. i think what i really love so far is hanoi. the breathtaking view, the serenity, the frenliness. man, i love vietnam!
september to november was nice. having a good fren around whom you can confide in does wonders to the soul. confusion summarises her life. hope she still standing up now. when will my candle appear. my flame last died almost 3 years ago. still seeking a flame to warm the soul and heart.
lost my passion to blog, for blogging almost became a channel for losers to vent their frustration online. but somehow somewhat something struck a chord earlier. i guess my my blogs are different. till then, cya
a proud advocate of good health. but reality bites you harder than you think, sometimes it all started from inflammation of the nodes to common influenze to chest pains.
unlucky is an understatement. it seems someone up there wants me to be sick. not been sleeping well for the past week. nothing seems to work. lime sips, tons of water and panadol cold tablets, herbal drinks, nasal strips. except maybe sufficient rest.
thank god the first hurdle for audit is over. the handover, the real audit, the management challenges, remuneration comes with a price. a high price. and high i am up 7 storeys above in the NLB. day off.
just as i tot all preparation was done, disaster struck. personal disaster at least. luck was not on my side, neither were my lucky angels. guardian did not work overtime either. oh heck, she was even absent during office hours! chest hurts now. internal injury someone told me. go a&e to see doctor, others advised. i want to but i can’t. we shall see.
the road ahead seems rather tough. a lonely battle one might feel he is fighting. even for someone like me.
the inner side hums a song "… you are not alone…i am here with you…though we’re far apart… always in my heart… " yeah, a song by a confused man, who aptly coined another song "black or white"
i see a set of footprints on the floor. a pair. damn, it belongs to me. i wish there was another. but she is oh-so-far-away.
hope
back after a 6 months ‘break’
they say absence makes the heart fonder. its true. my heart remains where i left off 1 month plus ago, forgoing my achievements and relationships and all that familiarity but i know this may be a better move. the time was ripe. leaving at the peak when things are stable is perhaps the most responsible thing to do, in my opinion at least.
the new is daunting; management issues, demographics of people i will be working with, the unfamiliarity is just …something i am unused to. but i will be fine. perhaps the added pressure i am piling is the fact that i know i am capable of emmulating what is above me, and it would not take me long. not that time is on my side, be it personal or expectations. the gamble and stakes are high.
in tough times like this, one would wish to have someone around. it could be an arm, words of encouragement or a knowing look. something i now seek and may actually be beside me all these while,
chancing upoon a statement from my jc compatriot, i quote from him "the challenge is not what lies ahead, but what’s within". how true.
un-naturally feeling. the inner-most feelings i feel about my life right now. a question i posed to my bro yesterday. do we all want have high aims in life? the social expectations seems to align high education with high achievement. or at least all graduates are supposed to do, or should at least have the ambition to do it. but not him. not me. i just wan to live my life, the way i want it to be. call it selfish if you wan. but alas, circumstances is challenging me to go against my own goals.
the east beckons. the change that may happen come this saturday. while i am further up north, unaware of my own destiny. but a welcoming change it sure is, for i think i may lose it if i continue to pursue something that is already lost in the sea of dark politics. a victim of it. something that i can fight back against. but for what? i rather walk away than to sink the level that is beneath my own level of conscience. at least i can sleep at night, well.
james, my ex-manager, once told me that as you mature and pass through life, you feel lonelier. all these while, i thought he meant not having a better half by your side or even the potential loss of friends as we move to another phase of our lives. but i realised yesterday i was wrong. the loneliness i felt was somewhat different; loneliness of not having someone who shares the same views with you that you can bare your heart and soul to. someone you can wake up to and tell him/her everything with nothing held back. for some of us, we do not say that much to friends, brothers, buddies, girlfriends, or even wives, do we? personal secrets, we give the excuse to?
the NLB experience was good. it brings back the sweetness and let me reminisce about the past. am i living in the past? no, i beg to differ. i am just re-living the saccharine moments i once had, same weather, same feeling, different person though. honey moments. deep down under the pumping organ.
christmas, favourite festival is coming. the spirit of giving is here. i had christmas all year long this year, thanks to your sweet intentions. the tree is a litte dusty though, resembling the snow flakes on pine trees. your tree still in functional conditions? the one we put up 2 years back and i nearly spoilt one arm? or did you know that? merry christmas!
Laziness - that is the only word i can think of for the reason why i did not blog for so long.
Maturity - that is something i have unlearn, relearn, and learnt the hard way in recent happenings in my life.
My ‘children’ have graduated on 29 Sept 2007. Ecstatic. that was what i felt in my heart. Finally after so many months of our journey, most (unfortunately not all) made it through. And celebrate we did on that night. For those who felt bad, there was no need to. There is no better recognition of your instructors than to show them that you remember what they said and taught and 10 years down, you still do. Those flowers, cards and all are just momentos. really. Happy for every one of you. Congrats.
The recent months has taken a toll on me. Emotionally. Psychologically. To those who were concerned and asked, while i have not replied. Thank you for being there. I chose this path, and may be walking off this path soon to another chapter soon.
Previously i did not understand. But recently i realised it has been alongside me all these while; survivalism. Survivalism changes people. Survivalism brings out the evil in people. Survivalism is nothing but part of the laws of nature. Something we cannot change. Something we bow down to, or at least most people do, just like to fate and destiny. But not me.
The divisions and mental trauma i have been put through, would have been many times worse, if for not for my only confidante who is walking the same route with me. She was with me and fought for me and with me, spiritually, mentally and physically. I owe her something. But she is just as unfortunate. Misunderstood in her own environment, i guess that is it.
Ironic as it may seem, the only constant in this world is change. The change is beckoning to me. The choice i have on hand. How will the world look in the coming months, i know not. But once again, whatever happens will happen. If i fall just like i did this year, i will get up again, stronger than ever. Strength in Change. Choice of life. Decisions we make that impacts the rest. Strength.
I mentioned you did not seem happy some time back. I hope i was wrong. If i am and was right, i hope you are happier now. Truly ad sincerely; Your new job (at last), new environment, new life.
mountain air was good. spending quiet time with your love one is too. time i took out of my schedule to reflect on my directions. i tot i came back fully recharged with aplenty of vigour, only to realised it was all a dream. the obstacles placed in my path is simply to huge to overcome. or have i given up myself?
i thought i knew quite a fair bit of things. monday night hit me hard and made me feel so small. the lessons drawn from that 2 hours made me realised i had been living in a cocoon. 26 years of my life. too naive. too simple. but complexity can kill too. dilemma one lives in. a word i told a close fren recently. mind-fuck.
now i understand why she meant she was struggling with life down under, not environmental but more internal. and meeting up with her in december is the only thing worth looking forward to, even if this means i will may miss my camp. the very question of your own existence. the strength to continue. the desparation in one’s eyes that threatens to leak tears but dare not for i am the strgoner gender. or supposed to be. social expectations. internal abnormality. a bitter struggle.
things are not well. not even in the place i love to go so much for 1 year plus. but i dare not speak. though the eyes show signas of betrayal. the strength of a leader is weakening. the cleansing may not be worth it. rock the boat, pay the price. see the unseen, expect the unexpected. she is losing patience, she was pissed. i know not if the trust has fallen short, recently. but oh well, one cannot control how another think anyway.
paradox of life. struggle against the norm. like what he said "you just want to be different. you always wanted it. nothing wrong. but it will drain you. are you prepared to do this all your life". life would be so much more simpler if we stick by the norms. but i say no. life would be in vain.
mousepad. polar bear. plastic key. something in common. symbols of life to sustain one’s persistence and strength.
till i die, passion never dies.
be different.
P/S: i know you are still confused on the path to take. take your time. think happy. think comfy. not think what others think. not always the dollar sign.
live a happy life, die a happy death. i will remember that when i fall short.
yin shui shi yuan - a chinese proverb i heard and used for countless times but have not really understood why it was derived that way, until wednesday when you explained to me. for the un-initiated, it means knowing your roots of origin and in practice, not to forget the people who groomed, helped, educated you and played a part in shaping who you are.
she fought hard for me. really hard. i know cos he could not have done it, or rather would not do it if not for her persistence. the $$ have been adjusted, or so i have been promised. a whooping huge % that is totally unexpected and out of any range i have ever known this company is known to give. but deep down, i hinted to her, $$ although meant for survival, will only motivate me that far. i like what i do but i am losing faith.
i put on a smile each day, put in my best and beliefs in practice but what do i get? fake consolation. and the sad thing is, there is absolutely nothing she can do about it because she is also a victim of this game. a game they chose to play us around. pawns of their game. hypocrisy? no. strength. a leader cannot be seen to be weak, not by his/her people.
i owe them nothing. from nothing in place, i have gotten human numbers, human capital, development, physical structure, and international accolades in place. at 1500hrs today, i would have completed my two outstanding projects for the year. the physical structure, the fruit of my labour. 18 months of planning, 10 months of renovations. i have done it all. a system almost in place now. if i have to walk out, i walk with my head up high.
guilt hits me hard though. i may sound arrogant but i do believe i am now a part of her and him. someone who really believes in what we do and will continue to fight for it. if i depart, she walks alone. people may have misunderstood but i cared not. for she, me and sometimes even him, often chose the unpopular path and do what is right. integrity.
i know some folks are unhappy but no genuine leader chooses to be popular. they do what is right. if being misunderstood by others is the price i have to pay for, so be it. the only thing is, YOU must not misunderstand cos only you know the truth. and should have faith in me. more than others. and i trust and still do, that you have that faith.
yin shui shi yuan - guilt continues.
